I trust myself

That’s always been hard for me to say because it’s been hard for me to believe, to feel, to embody.

Am I the only person to check six times that I’ve switched off the gas before going to bed?  I know that it’s off.  I know that it’s safe.  Yet there’s an imp in my brain who wants to make sure.  Just to piss me off.

My OCD tendencies(because they only ever were tendencies) have faded a lot in recent years.  It’s a lot to do with being content.  I posted about meditation in previous post and honestly, I think it should be prescribed.  I have far to go in this journey – I know there’s no ultimate destination – but there is no way my brain and ego and their imp-child would have got out of my way half as many times as they have over the past few months if meditation hadn’t lulled me through luring them to a place where they couldn’t piss me off any more.

I have a situation at the moment where they do still try their best to fight to the front.  I like someone and it seems that the feelings might be reciprocated, though of course it’s difficult to know for sure at this stage.  It’s a situation where I have to wait to know anything more for certain.  I know I don’t know the future.  I know I’m doing all I can and I’m making every effort to be open.  The imp, though, it pops up spitting doubt at every positive conclusion I draw.  But how do we know? – it whines.  How do we know for sure that things are as they seem?

The thing is, I can’t satisfy my imp.  It will always badger me, raising doubt upon doubt upon doubt.  I probably can’t stop it, though, as this wise gentleman advises us: best just to let the ‘mind momentum’ run its course.

I don’t know the future.  I know what I wish for.  I also know it might happen and it might not happen.  Lots of other things might happen too.  I endeavour to accept them all.

In this sense, I trust myself.  I have every right to have these feelings.  I have every right to know what I desire.  I have every right to experience this…even if it doesn’t turn out as I’d wish.  Running away from the feelings due to the imp’s scare tactics won’t do me any favours.  I trust my instincts and I trust my internal compass

We’ll see.


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