That’s where I am.
I totally lost my centre this summer. Like, spectacularly. I didn’t even think that was possible. I thought I was so zen, so accepting, so self-actualized.
Of course I was…when life was easy.
I hate that I am needier than I believed myself to be.
I fell in love. I mean I fell stupendously: hook, line and sinker and I am still floundering on the end of her line.
Oh yeah, it’s woman That was a first. A fucking amazing, stunning meteor of a woman. She kills me. Yeah I’m dramatic, so what? I earned it. 30 plus years of flatlining and obeying. I needed that shooting star.
Oh yeah, and all this while my professional situation crumbled around me.
I wish she would.
I digress. I didn’t know where to look first. I was that proverbial ostrich. How do you gather the energy to set up your own company from scratch (yup, that’s what I’m doing) while your energy is jumping around like a Catherine wheel because she…has…put…you…in…a..spin. How do you harness yourself?
You see, that was my first mistake. She didn’t ask me to start chasing my tail. I made that decision all on my own. It was FUN! I loved it when I loved her. I loved that it was not real and unreal and deliciously almost real.
It was her fucking fault too.
I wish I’d kept my centre. I look back on an imagined ideal reaction to falling in love: one where I’d be calm and unaffected and never even hint to her how I feel and make her chase me make her want me. She did, for a while. I daydream sometimes that I continued to give her the mystery and resistance she seemed to need from me.
She broke me down.
What did she expect?
Then she announces she loves someone else.
I was her in-betweener. Her source of attention through transition.
Shit I’m angry at her sometimes.
This could all be my own speculation. Maybe she was never as interested in me as she seemed. Maybe I invented it.
…I know I didn’t.
I’d like to talk to her honestly, yet I am caught in that place between:
move the fuck on and don’t look back
talk to her honestly, which I haven’t yet managed to do (then move the fuck on)
Is it closure I seek or the opening to my new life?