I’ve been struggling these past few days, about this girl who’s in my life. The one I fell in love with last year, not the one I slept with. No no, the one I fell in love with hasn’t let me lay a finger on her. She said she only sees me as a friend. So as a good little spiritually aware girl does, I let go of the expectation that anything would happen between us and moved on to have fun with some other beauties.
They’re not her, though.
We had dinner just after new year, when I visited her home city. Then I assumed (ha there I go again with my assuming – see last post 🙂 ) that we probably wouldn’t talk that much over the next few months as she had this big work project on which involves travel. She didn’t say that we wouldn’t talk…I guess it was me just doing my old favourite ‘disappointment insurance’. So, there I was a couple of weeks ago dancing round lesbian bars in my own city and fitting in like a black tank top, when her email pipes up in a Samsung song. She missed talking to me. Could we Skype? But of course my darling, I said. Anything for you. Well, not in those exact words, honest…
Turns out she’s lonely. Turns out she’s been going through her own long-term heartbreak, which we all know comes in stages. Turns out she wants lots of contact with me. Turns out I’m a cynic. What happens when she meets someone? She seems to want me to nourish her with inspiration and words and any little piece of the internet I think she’d like. I told her I wanted similar nourishment in return. She promised (and I quote) she’d send me stuff. I’m still waiting.
My self-protection and my love have been fighting. My self protection tells me that she can’t have my friendship for free and I was right to assert that this relationship is an exchange. My love tells me she’s reaching out and I need to recognise her pain. She’s on her own chaotic journey.
Both my self-protection and my love have a point.
The thing I learned tonight was that I just need to allow her to be her and me to be me. Anything else is the creation of more pain, mainly for myself. This girl arrived to teach me the biggest lessons I have ever learned. She showed me myself. Whether that is a pre-ordained fate thing or just pure chance I will not know, while I am still on this planet, in this body, in this life. The fact is that she came. The other fact is that life after her is different. It’s me in the world now, instead of a half-obedient half-hiding efficient shell.
Neither she nor I could have had any conscious expectation of this. I’ve given her lots too. It’s already a fair exchange.
I guess, quite simply, I miss her. I could reach out to her whenever I wanted. She has asked me to. It’s my little self-protection that firmly sets out that she must send me that internet shit she promised first!
Oh man, this is quite laughable written down. If this is my biggest problem, I’m doing quite well, right? 🙂
I am so much saner than ever before.