The first in a series of homages to my loves past, present and future…
I haven’t felt all that sad since D and I broke up two months ago. A few tears, some low-level bleakness; nothing heart-rending. Is it coming? I want to make it come, if it’s there. Come out cowardly grief, if you exist you must show yourself and if you do not exist stop sending your fake guilt-trimmed police to claim that you have a home in me.
Tonight on the bus with the flapping shop fronts clattering by and The Scientist (Coldplay) deliberately placed to blare in my ears in the hopes of prodding some feeling out of myself…I did cry.
Grief? Who am I crying for?
D you were, you are, such a pretty picture. I ask myself every single day if my lack of deep grief is just grief delayed or if there is just not much of it there. I asked the same question of you: could I just not reach you or was there nothing to reach? We. Did. Not. Connect. I wanted to so much. I loved you by my side and I loved you too to the depths our mascot-connection would allow me. Did I miss it, the love in you? Did I turn away from a subtle signal? Should I have asked you to share whatever spoke to you in that book Love you bought for yourself from a shop on my street and never spoke of again. Who did you think of when you thought of love? Perhaps the formula you found in Love rendered me obvious as a rogue ingredient. Did I shrug off the love monologue in Breakfast at Tiffany’s too easily? I never liked that movie. Perhaps I need to watch it again.
But oh yes I miss things. I miss your cute kitten face, the freckled delicate landing just under your eyes where your lashes brush. I miss watching movies with you, Mental in the Legs, seeing you over a crowded room and knowing, disbelieving: I am with that girl. I miss your trilled r: sorrry. I honestly don’t know right now if I am forcing myself or allowing myself to miss you; blood from a stone or bloodletting?
Feel it feel it say it write it punch it tell it like the good girls do.
I want to find the words for what I could not find in you.
Are there words for what does not exist?
Chasm. Gap. Void. Lack. Hole. Blank. Shell.
Not for me.